Saturday, May 29, 2010

My Year 5 Project

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A few days ago I started a project without really explaining what I'm doing and I thought it might be helpful to explain a little bit.  Every evening I am posting a photo I took that day and I hope to be talking a little bit about what I'm going through in this momentous year.  I plan on doing this every day for one year, the final day will be my 5 year mark from the end of chemo, a day in which I have about a 25% shot of being alive for.

I want to celebrate beating the statistics that doctors have laid out.  I do not want to bring anybody down, or make them feel sorry for me.  Honestly, I feel good.  But also, honestly, I am terrified that I won't complete my task, but hopeful that I will.

I don't like being a downer and I try to keep away from pity parties, this is a way for me, an outlet, to express how I'm feeling and I think it's really needed.

My husband is 100% on board with me doing this and being very encouraging.  But today I had a little meltdown as I shared with him that this is almost too much.  I don't dwell on the down side of the cancer and by celebrating each day I'm still alive it also makes me think about my chances and that's just something I don't do that much.  I think I'm like many survivors in that I stuff what I'm feeling, I put on a happy face and think that the happy feelings will follow and they usually do.

One thing I have not really done in my whole cancer experience is allow myself to feel and explore all of my feelings and I know it's something I should have done a long time ago.  I did see a specialist for one visit shortly after diagnosis, this person specialized in talking to people in my predicament and she advised that I needed to talk about my feelings, to not stuff them.  Yet stuff them is what I'm good at and already, just a few days into this project I am having a hard time expressing myself.

I fear that people will see me as whining or weak.  But I need this for me.  And where better to do it than on my blog.  I've fallen into the habit of sharing photos of my world, but keeping my feelings to myself and I want to break that, I need to break that.

So, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that over the next year I will have good and bad days, hopefully more of the former than the later, but I need to express myself.  And you don't have to read this if you don't want to.  I'm ok with that.  I will still be doing my regular postings in the mornings and these will be posted in the evenings, whenever I get around to it, lol.

If you do read these posts, please bear with me as I find my voice again.  I am determined to follow through in this because I believe it will be very cathartic. And I would appreciate you sharing your thoughts/feelings with me too along the way. YOU helped me get through my diagnosis and treatment, every step of the way and I need your help to get to this next goal too.

As a little side note, I hesitated to share my last oncologist visit with you.  In my goal of keeping my blog a positive place I have also been keeping you all at arm's length.  I'm scared right now, boy that's hard to put out there.  I have to see the gastroenterologist next week for a consult leading up to another colonoscopy.  No fun, I assure you!

When I used the word cathartic to my husband I wasn't positive it was saying what I wanted it to so I looked it up to verify that I had my definition correct and found it to be: 1. of or pertaining to catharsis and 2. also, cathartical, evacuating the bowels ~ we had a great laugh over that one and I hope you do too!  But then we had to look at catharsis and viola, there it is: the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through a work of art.

Exactly!  There it is!  My Year 5 Project is my catharsis, photography is a work of art, no?

You can see all the posts in the project by going here.

48 comments:

  1. i think your 5yr project is a wonderful idea and speaking about your emotions here is clearly a great step. i think it's important to understand what you've gone through, knowing where you're headed and shaping your future for what's to come. may you find what you're searching for. good luck with all other tests. hope all else is well.

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  2. Good for you! I think blogging can be whatever you need it to be ...and I for one am all for you finding your voice and sharing whatever you need to share. Like you said, people can decide if they want to read it or not .you don't always have to be positive or happy ... no one is like that in real life. And I certainly don't think you are whining!!! Good Lord woman! You are dealing with life and death issues here. Hugs!

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  3. Great idea, Lisa. I'm looking forward to each post and photo.

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  4. I think this is a great project! I look forward to reading the posts and going through catharsis with you.

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  5. You may have noticed that I, too, have good days and bad days. I find that when I get it out I am able to feel the good parts a little more. Well I am still in my early days of grief, and while you're in a different situation as a cancer patient, and I, a surviving spouse of a cancer patient, we probably have many similar feelings. Your "grief" will be that of your former self... before diagnosis. All perfectly normal. I hope, that this expression of emotion, will help you and I hope, also, that it helps bring the fight in you to another level, renew strength to continue fighting.

    Being positive is a great thing, and it's helped you so far. But holding in emotion may hinder your growth (as a survivor). If nothing else, I know it will help others who are going through the same circumstances feel less alone and help them gain their strength to fight.

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  6. Love Ya, Mrs. Bandit! Keep the positive energy close and let the negative go! Looking forward to your blogs and pics!!

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  7. My prayers are with you....and you have my admiration. You are going to accomplish a 5 year project in 1 year! That's what I call efficient.

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  8. I love this project!!! I think it will be very positive for you, even with sharing the "bad". There is a release in typing out the "bad". It really does help getting it up and out, kinda like throwing up- you always feel better once you throw up! So, my friend, spew it all out on your blog!!! It is YOUR blog!! I know I'll be here to support you along the way! XOXOXO

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  9. Great idea! A type of art therapy that will help you on many levels. You are in my thoughts and prayers. When can we get together again?

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  10. Lisa, I am one of your FV neighbors. You are a very courageous woman and I do enjoy your photography. Keep it up and stay strong.

    L

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  11. I hope that this project helps you find that catharsis along with your voice. I look forward to walking it with you.

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  12. What a great idea. We´ll be there behind you to cheer you on and to help on your hard days. You can do this and I want to celebrate your 5 year mark with you!! :)

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  13. I think this is a great idea. Not bottle up everything inside but letting it all out, the good and the bad. You'll be able to attract some positive energy from peoples comments which will again help you each step you take. Go girl! Big hug xxx

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  14. Lisa, I am 100% behind you in this project and I think it is a very good idea!! I think blogging is good for the soul. Be it good, bad or indifferent...we all have emotions and I think it is important to get it out. I sure can relate to the whole "stuffing" thing as I am really bad about sharing my feelings. I stuff everything and put on a happy face. But, I think that with blogging, and bloggers in general...we read because we are interested in each other's lives and experiences. We CARE!! We will be here right along with you every single step of the way!!! If you stumble, we will catch you. My heart goes out to you today, Lisa. Hugs to you!!

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  15. I'm with you. Expressing negative emotions is super scary (maybe they won't like me any more!) but this kind of bravery does really reap rewards. It's OK to say I AM NOT OK RIGHT NOW. And showing a photo to express how you feel is the best kind of art therapy. Don't be afraid to post "depressing" things. We know it's only today's post. And besides, there's always a positive side lurking in the saddest thoughts.

    Think of the blogsphere as the great mother out there, ready to cradle you in its arms.

    Cathartic, indeed!

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  16. This is an excellent idea. It's good to let things out, the good and the difficult, and photography is a wonderful way to do that. Sending you good thoughts!

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  17. Photography is a work of art and also a form of expression for the artist. It's good to get things out in one fashion or another. Good luck with your next doc apt. Be positive the rest of us are all routing for you. :)

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  18. Holy cow. I had no clue. Don't know how I missed it.

    I love how your tackling it, and your catharsis made me giggle through my tears.

    I'm in there with you all the way. Stay strong. Keep sharing your eye-popping photos!

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  19. Well, Lisa...It is courageous to tackle this project. Good for you!
    I have only been here a few times, because I do photo memes, and I haven't spent enough time to get to know you or your struggles. But I saw your comments on a couple of my posts, and came by to return the visit. Thank you for being so REAL. It makes me stop and consider: what am I doing and why? I don't ask those questions nearly enough.
    Blessings to you!

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  20. Good for you. Mr. Dragon was diagnosed with Cancer of the Esophagus last November and what an adventure it has been. Before he was diagnosed he had returned to school (sort of) ... taking art classes ... and boy is he good. I've been trying to get him to pick up those colored pencils and play, play, play and I think he's starting to get the itch to play once more. It's an adventure and I'm proud of you! Go, go, go!

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  21. I'm going to put you on my morning calendar - to pop up every morning when I turn on my computer: Speak LIFE for Lisa!

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  22. This project is really special. Your pictures are so amazing and beautiful -- and your feelings are amazing and beautiful and should be shared if you feel like sharing them. In a work situation, we once had to go through personality profiling to see how we best could work with clients and each other. One of our assignments was a "vomit comet" where we sat at the computer and just typed and typed and basically vomited out all of our feelings and angst and fears and concerns. I have to say it really was cathartic and felt pretty darn freeing. It's a good exercise and I still do it when I'm feeling anxious about things.

    I feel honored to be able to experience (even long distance) your ups and downs. I'm grateful that your husband is so supportive. Will be saying prayers that this journey you're taking is down and long and happy and photogenic road!

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  23. It's a wonderful idea Lisa. I don't consider it a downer to share in life's ups and downs with friends...even when the news may be more down than up for a while. I love your photos but I usually read people's blogs because I want to know about them and their lives. You are in my prayers. Cathy

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  24. Way to go, girl!
    It will be tough to find the right photo and sometimes to remember to take one at all.
    But it's well worth it!
    I know the habit of storing one's feelings and not letting them out.
    I think I'll take you as an inspiration to go exploring myself a bit more again too.
    About time ;)
    Wishing you all the Best!

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  25. This is a beautiful idea and the photos are wonderful. I hope it helps you make it to 5!

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  26. I have been visiting your blog regularly for several months but was not aware of your cancer experience until I clicked the link to the explanation here. You cause me to give some thought to what you are doing. I had surgery for colon surgery in 1998 and have gone through chemo, radiation, more surgery, more chemo, etc., etc. I don't know what my odds were going into this thing but I suspect that living to talk about it 12 years later was on the narrow end. Which is to say that I think I know where you are coming from. So good for you and I will be reading you a bit closer in the future.

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  27. Oh My Gosh Lisa, ive been following your adorable photos and wondering what is all about and now i know!!! I've just joined in on your Macro Monday concept.
    But had no idea of your bigger picture!!!
    What a wonderful idea, brilliant!! Congratulations on making this commitment and i know i am thorouly enjoying your photos everyday and i look forward to seeing all your photos over the next 5 years!!! I feel privileged to share this journey with you!

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  28. How did I miss this? I'm sorry. Isn't it awful the way you just assume everyone else is OK, and doing as well, or better, than ourselves? Well, I guess you don't, anymore - and this is something you will take away from this cancer experience with you.

    OH and I have both had cancer, different types. His brother died from the same type of cancer that he had, but he managed to remain upbeat and positive through it all. I'm afraid I fell apart and couldn't see a future for a while, and yet, here I am, six (is it six? I've stopped counting) years post op and still cancer free. I feel I should cross my fingers when I say that, but that's probably just my pessimistic nature talking. OH has also been discharged as healthy and cancer free.

    I am sending you all good, positive thoughts, hopes, prayers and wishes, that you will be saying the same thing a few years down the road.

    Great idea for a project - it's a very positive thing that you're doing! Love the photos, too!

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  29. Hi
    i came across your blog yesterday, so keep popping back to read more.
    Thios is a wonderful post, i think your project is a great idea, nothing like holding a camera to let your mind wander to another place. I will pop back often, i wish you all the very best, and hope you have more good days than bad, i look forward to 5years of wonderful photography. Keep positive & keep smiling, hugs sue,x

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  30. What a beautiful post and project! I am praying for you and I can't wait to see your 5 year mark photo!

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  31. A great post and I'll look forward to that 5 year mark photo also. Sending you many blessings and prayers.

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  32. HI Lisa
    I am a bit slow getting to this page...You are very brave. I wish you all the best.

    Evelyn

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  33. I think this is a beautiful idea! My prayers are with you!

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  34. What a moving post! Whatever trouble you might have expressing your feelings it's not evident here. And I'm loving your work, it's wonderful.

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  35. this is a wonderful idea--using a medium you love so much to deal with an emotional element in your life, here's to you!

    I had a couple of girls in my home a lot as they were growing up, they were friends with my daughters. Their mother worked and so they would come to my house in the morning and get ready for school and then come home with me after school. When the youngest was in 3rd grade she was a victim of Leukemia. It was a terribly hard time as she went through the ordeal of fighting the cancer. When she hit her 5 year mark of being cancer free (I believe it was when she was 16) a bunch of her friends and their mothers got together and made quilts. we took them to the children's hospital where she was treated. what a time we had as we visited with patients and handed out blankets. some of the patients were friends with our special gal and she also enjoyed her reunion with many of the nurses and doctors that had treated her during a difficult time. It is a pivotal point in life--reaching the five year mark. I hope yours is memorable. BTW she is now 31, married and has adopted a little boy. She is very happy. I pray for you to have many years of happy life ahead of you.

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  36. What a wonderful idea. Cancer can sometimes rob us of everything except our own attitude. You can do the things that you are striving to do. I know you can. I also know that it is so hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Here is one of my favorite quotes. I think, perhaps that it applies to you. I hope that you also love it.

    "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way". Viktor Frankl

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  37. I look forward to seeing picture #1825
    sending my love your way...
    sharon:)

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  38. Oh Lisa you are indeed brave to face your situation in a creative way. Art is indeed a form of healing. I curated exhibitions, design and facilitate art workshops, and do art therapy when it comes my way. Suffice it to say that most of my 'students' are physically and emotionally 'not well' and most, if not all, of my projects are for free! Whenever I can, whenever I am asked, I just try to extend my hand to help, and surprisingly, it helped heal me too. So if you need help for more art projects to do (yes photography is a form of art!) or simply to just 'talk', just drop me a line.

    Walk bravely into the night, Lisa. And embrace your own shadow. It is one of life's purest joy, believe me. . .

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  39. I almost didn't click thinking it was explaining another challenge. And I guess it really is. Your personal challenge. I will check this evening post often, but won't always respond. Many times I can only imagine I won't know what to say. Or maybe it will just be repetitive..."march on, brave soldier". For you ARE both. Choosing to live, to see the world's beauty even though the cards you were delt aren't the ones you would have liked. And brave because fear hasn't stopped you. And, yes, a soldier, because this is a battle. So, know that you have made me look more closely at the details of life and that I will add your specific thoughts and feelings and wishes into my prayers at night. It will also assure me to not forget my prayers. See, that is another way you are helping me. God bless you, my blogging friend.

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  40. thank you for touching my life, you are one brave soul! i have one cancer survivor friend and i do believe in the power of prayers. will include you in my prayers from then on. your catharsis is laudable. love it!

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  41. I love this idea! You have to remain positive and this sounds like a good plan.
    You're in my prayers and I'll be sending positive thoughts your way each day.
    You are a warrior and you will survive!

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  42. Here I am up at 1:54am in Chicago feeling sorry for myself and I came across your blog. I don't know how I found you but I did and I'm glad I did. You have no idea how your 5yr. project has motivated and inspired me. I hope you win your battle and I will be checking in to view your gorgeous pictures. Thank you for being brave and honest about your experience.

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  43. Lisa!
    I have been flitting about and not paying attention...I am here now and you are too!
    It IS THE LITTLE things that count! You being here is= BIG= 7 mo in and sharing from the depths of your toil and trouble, beauty in life and HEART Of GOLD.
    So happy to have been sorting through my blogs and reconnect with the ones that make a differance... YOU are inspiring!

    God Bless you!

    I will continue to pray and share in your beautiful life here!

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  44. Good luck with your project. I'm sure everyone hopes that you will see this project through to the end.

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  45. Lisa, This is a great idea. You are a brave lady. On this begining of the year of 2011, I wish you all the very best of luck and health. Do take good care of yourself for in this way, your loved ones, particularly your husband shall be the most happy. LISA is for "Life Is Sweet Always"

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  46. Lisa, thank you so much for linking back to this post. I had no idea about your cancer journey. My mother is a 14 year breast cancer survivor (so far) and still living a very full life at age 76. I hope you will live for many, many years too, that you will continue to share the beauty you see in the world through your lens, through your heart. I worry sometimes about sounding whiny too when I post about MS, but I learn more and more all the time from followers of my blog that it actually helps others to see/hear/read the full picture. It allows them to heal too!

    gentle steps,
    Laura

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  47. Lisa, I think your project is WONDERFUL! I discovered I had melanoma seven years ago. I was devastated. I saw 3 little black bumps rise up, almost overnight, and I immediately went to my doctor. Yup. She cut out what she could, but then I had to have the "deep cut" on my left arm. I've been cancer-free ever since, but I have to wrap up like a mummy when I'm outdoors now, and I have 5 horses to take care of and who depend on me for their lives (they are ALL rescues!). So, I wrap up like a mummy, put on my SPF 70, my hat, and out I go to chuck manure and to train them as best I can. Honestly, though, my horses have helped to keep me going! And, yes, through our art and our photographs, we CREATE! Please email me any time!
    ~~Cheryl Ann~~(also of http://rav4adventures.blogspot.com)

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  48. Thank you for opening the door to your experience. Such a positive approach for you and all the people you are reaching out to. This project proves your strength.

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