Saturday, May 29, 2010
My Year 5 Project
A few days ago I started a project without really explaining what I'm doing and I thought it might be helpful to explain a little bit. Every evening I am posting a photo I took that day and I hope to be talking a little bit about what I'm going through in this momentous year. I plan on doing this every day for one year, the final day will be my 5 year mark from the end of chemo, a day in which I have about a 25% shot of being alive for.
I want to celebrate beating the statistics that doctors have laid out. I do not want to bring anybody down, or make them feel sorry for me. Honestly, I feel good. But also, honestly, I am terrified that I won't complete my task, but hopeful that I will.
I don't like being a downer and I try to keep away from pity parties, this is a way for me, an outlet, to express how I'm feeling and I think it's really needed.
My husband is 100% on board with me doing this and being very encouraging. But today I had a little meltdown as I shared with him that this is almost too much. I don't dwell on the down side of the cancer and by celebrating each day I'm still alive it also makes me think about my chances and that's just something I don't do that much. I think I'm like many survivors in that I stuff what I'm feeling, I put on a happy face and think that the happy feelings will follow and they usually do.
One thing I have not really done in my whole cancer experience is allow myself to feel and explore all of my feelings and I know it's something I should have done a long time ago. I did see a specialist for one visit shortly after diagnosis, this person specialized in talking to people in my predicament and she advised that I needed to talk about my feelings, to not stuff them. Yet stuff them is what I'm good at and already, just a few days into this project I am having a hard time expressing myself.
I fear that people will see me as whining or weak. But I need this for me. And where better to do it than on my blog. I've fallen into the habit of sharing photos of my world, but keeping my feelings to myself and I want to break that, I need to break that.
So, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that over the next year I will have good and bad days, hopefully more of the former than the later, but I need to express myself. And you don't have to read this if you don't want to. I'm ok with that. I will still be doing my regular postings in the mornings and these will be posted in the evenings, whenever I get around to it, lol.
If you do read these posts, please bear with me as I find my voice again. I am determined to follow through in this because I believe it will be very cathartic. And I would appreciate you sharing your thoughts/feelings with me too along the way. YOU helped me get through my diagnosis and treatment, every step of the way and I need your help to get to this next goal too.
As a little side note, I hesitated to share my last oncologist visit with you. In my goal of keeping my blog a positive place I have also been keeping you all at arm's length. I'm scared right now, boy that's hard to put out there. I have to see the gastroenterologist next week for a consult leading up to another colonoscopy. No fun, I assure you!
When I used the word cathartic to my husband I wasn't positive it was saying what I wanted it to so I looked it up to verify that I had my definition correct and found it to be: 1. of or pertaining to catharsis and 2. also, cathartical, evacuating the bowels ~ we had a great laugh over that one and I hope you do too! But then we had to look at catharsis and viola, there it is: the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through a work of art.
Exactly! There it is! My Year 5 Project is my catharsis, photography is a work of art, no?
You can see all the posts in the project by going here.