The words I keep chanting, over and over. It isn't working yet, but I'm hoping with more time I can learn to let it go. I think most of us avoid people, and situations that hurt us. But, what do you do if it's a person you can't avoid. A family member, who keeps breaking your heart?
To be clear I am not talking physical pain, I don't care if it is a family member who hits you, they need to be cut out of your life pronto.
The situation I'm talking about is more ify. This person sees nothing wrong in what they're doing. So you remind yourself that they are not doing this to intentionally hurt you. Nevertheless, it hurts you just the same. It's to the point that even talking to this person causes you pain. Do you cut them out of your life? To do so, makes it difficult for other loved ones, as they love you and that person. You don't want to make life hard for them.
This person will never change. They have absolutely no respect for anyone else's feelings. For them, the only feelings that matter are their own. There is no point in talking to them, you have tried, talk is just met with belittlement. Do you keep trying to let it go, or do you walk away? Does the answer depend on how you're related? What if this person is your sibling? Your parent? Your, aunt, cousin, etc? Which relationship can you walk away from, and which must you battle your pain and learn to let it go?
Oh, Lisa. I feel for you. After my parents died, two of my brothers and one sister were so awful that they disowned me. It's been 15 years since I've spent any amount of time with them. Emails are misunderstood. Christmas cards are so cryptic that I've decided not to send them any more. It's taken a LOT to heal my heart (well, mostly heal it) and to release the pain. Chance brushes with them on Facebook cause my bruises to show again.
ReplyDeleteWhere I'm at now is working to not get sucked into the vortex where they are concerned, but to continually work on healing my own heart so that I can be open to them should they ever bother to reach out to me in a constructive way.
My counselor gave me this line to hold on to: "Remember, how they treat you says more about them than it does about you." That line worked better than "let it go" or "surrender" or "take little pieces of paper, write the bad stuff down, then burn the paper." Now I keep asking myself, "Is this how I want to present myself to the world?" And not in a false way, but is this how I want to LIVE in the world ... hurt and resentful? Then wonder aloud if that is how they want to present themselves to the world.
I was on the outs with my MIL for about 3 years. She lives nearby and I stayed away from family gatherings all that time. She and I finally found a way to talk things through. I know it doesn't work with some family.
One more thing. My husband always reminds me that people get where they are honestly. Meaning, life has batted us all around and we've ended up where we are because of it. So have the nasty folks. Sometimes, if you can pity them (privately), it's easier to let them act in unfortunate ways around you. And then be really grateful that when life batted you around, you chose kindness and compassion. Even when it's hard.
This describes my mom & sister. My sis, I walked away from, years ago. She really is a lot like my mom. Because my mom is my mom, I couldn't cut her off, but I created distance & she never noticed. Now, mom has dementia, & my sis took over, (mom has $$,) now, I don't bother with either one. It's sad, to me, but it's also life.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having to deal with this (again, it sounds like). I think you can only try so much and if things don't change, don't have a scene.. just disappear into the scenery. Don't be available when they want to use you. I'm hoping there aren't any kids involved because that always makes it so much harder. I've worked it now so that I spend time with my granddaughter but haven't seen my stepson in quite a while. He's straightened up a lot, but I still can't stand to be around him.
ReplyDeleteI stepped away from a family member and didn't have contact for a couple years - and then this person figured things out and actually called and apologized to me....our relationship is still fragile, but it is there. Sometimes, stepping away helps.
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