Diagnosis Cancer – December 2005 part B

From March 2005 - June 2008 my blog was elsewhere.  I'm worried all the posts during my cancer diagnosis and treatment will be lost so I'm moving them over one month at a time.

Happy 18th Birthday Mikal!

posted Friday, 16 December 2005

Mikal I hope you have a wonderful 18th birthday and I hope you know what an awesome young man you have become.  You don't seem to realize it but I am SO very Proud of you.  You have grown from a colicky infant to a responsible man.  Keep on your same path and you will reach great potential!  I love you!  I'm sorry that my illness is clouding your senior year but we'll get through this.  Thank you for helping me through this.

I wrote this early because I don't know how I'll feel on your actual day.  Please have some cake for me if I don't feel up to it.

Day 2 of Chemo

posted Friday, 16 December 2005

So far it seems those $300 nausea pills are worth it.  I'm not nauseous and have been able to eat today.  I am however very shaky and feel like I'm Kathryn Hepburn but I'm sure it will pass.  I seem to be able to tolerate slightly cooler liquids this time, still can't use ice but they are a little cooler than room temperature.  Well, my mouth can tolerate it but I have to wear gloves because my hand thinks the cup is cold.  So far this isn't too bad.  I'm tired but keep sleeping so hopefully this too will pass soon.  I hear the tiredness gets worse as we go along.  I'm not sure about all this shaking though.  Very irritating.

If I go by the timetable of my last treatment my two worst days will be Sunday and Monday but I'm hoping they will come and go uneventfully.  Keeping fingers crossed.

Hating this

posted Sunday, 18 December 2005

I know I've said it before but I hate this.  The nausea is here again but not nearly as bad as last time.  I'm trying to ignore it.  I keep falling asleep again, must be the chemo not the nausea pills.  Feel disoriented and foggy.  I hate the coating that my mouth gets, makes everything taste bad but in a few days my taste will come back and food will be heaven.  I hate everything about this.  Trying to get to the other side, the better days.

the worst days

posted Monday, 19 December 2005

These are the worst days and yes, I still hate them.  But, hopefully tomorrow will be better and the day after that and so on.  I know these days are harder on my husband in many ways because he's taking care of me and worrying about me.  I hate how these days effect him.  Like he doesn't have enough load without me too.  And the really sucky thing is that about the time I feel I can pull my weight again they shoot me up with more mind-numbing drugs.

I'm trying to be real here and while in a few days I may be able to once again see beauty for today I just see the bad.  Today is a little better than yesterday but still not fun.  I am still sleeping a lot and when I'm awake I'm not much company.  I have noticed the last 3 days I haven't spoken much and that is totally unlike me.  It's partly because of the effort needed to think and communicate - as you can probably tell my mind is still weird.

Taking a bath totally wipes me out.  My husband had to help me get my robe on today after and forget about drying and brushing my hair.  The last two days I have fallen asleep with the towel around my hair, just to let it look all crazy later.  Too much effort to do more.

I'm still eating, my stomach has had weird moments but I have been able to keep eating.  In fact, at this moment I am craving pizza.  Now, if I could just get my taste back so I can enjoy something that I crave.  Right now the coating's still in my mouth and everything tastes dulled or blah.

And on the list of weirds is that after the chemo it seems that my port area aches for a few days.  And the neuropathy is coming and going.  Today my fingers felt absolutely tingly and cold and my nose has been cold since the chemo.  Weird.

Okay, enough venting, hopefully, I'll be back to myself soon.

Contributing to life

posted Thursday, 22 December 2005

I managed to contribute to our household today.  I did some laundry and changed my bedding and straightened up and ran the Swiffer.  It sounds like so little but felt like a lot.  I felt so good actually being able to DO something helpful (Dennis is at work and won't be home for a few days, so he'll be surprised).  And I also got so wiped out.  I cannot believe that just a few short months ago I was going full speed ahead on this whole house building project and now I can do so little.  It’s so absolutely frustrating to me to have to sit so much.  I mean, Dennis and I spent 6 months working every waking hour on framing, drywalling, siding, etc. and now I can't even sweep a freaking floor?!

I'm trying to enjoy being able to cross-stitch without guilt.  And read without feeling I "should" be doing something else.  But my body wants to do more.  I want to clean and decorate and carry on like before, my body just won't let me.  I dunno if it's still the surgery dragging me down or the chemo, or both.

I know this neuropathy thing is hanging on longer this time and driving me nuts.  I can drink cold things again but I can't touch them.  I tried to drive my son to town and my fingers were very tingly and my nose has been cold since I got my last chemo.  Dennis says he's going to get me a cute little red nose, yes like a clown, so my nose will be warm.  Crazy man must have forgotten I'm scared of clowns.  Just think of how I would feel when confronted by that red nose while attempting to brush my teeth.  Yes my nose might be warm but the rest of me might get frozen when I jumped out the window to get away from the clown in the mirror.

Fibi snored earlier and made me think of JoZe.  Actually, she made me cry because typically it was JoZe that snored.  It's rare for Fibi too.  My sweet little imperfect JoZe with her little pink spot on her nose.  Some of my family have wondered if she was trying to tell me about my cancer with what she went through.  Our kids swear the house is haunted and I like to think it's just JoZe checking on us.  I really don't know any other way our brand new house could be haunted.  No we're not on old burial ground.  We are on old farm ground.  So it has to be JoZe responsible for the oddities.  See, that's comforting instead of fearful.  I had no idea I'd miss her as much as I do and continue to.

I cannot believe that Christmas is this weekend.  Time flies whether you're having fun or not.  It totally does not feel like Christmas.  OH, we're closing on the house Friday.  Finally, one more thing done.  One more stress over and done with.

For weeks I have been wanting to go for a walk in the County Park where Mikal's senior pictures were taken.  At first, I couldn't waste the time to go because we were too busy trying to finish the house by deadline.  Then I haven't had the strength to go.  I have the will and want to but I never know when I will get overwhelming tired.  Like earlier tonight, I went to check on a load of clothes, and ended up sitting in front of the washer, the thought of getting up just too much to think of.  My son helped me to my room and laughed when I asked him if he'd place the remote under my finger so I didn't have to lift my arm.  It is pretty funny to think about but at those moments anything feels like it would require too much effort.

My goal, before the weekend is up, is to get to at least take a short walk in that park and take some photos of everything covered in snow.  I'm hoping by telling you guys I will help be inspired to make it happen.  I know when Dennis is home I borrow some of his energy.  Just having him around, moving and being normal is inspiring to me and I try.  But even if I accomplish nothing I feel more alive having him moving around in the house.

My short-term goal for tomorrow, besides trying to warm my nose, is to actually fold all the laundry I managed to do today.  I used to fold it as it came out of the dryer but times are a changin and I have it piled to fold tomorrow.  Good thing we own an iron.  :)

Chemo's effects on blood and urinalysis

posted Friday, 23 December 2005

I am especially asking anyone with chemo experience to read and respond to this post as you've walked this path before me and are more knowledgeable whether you want to be or not.  :)  I guess I'm trying to figure out if these effects are normal for chemo patients or if they may indicate cancer elsewhere in my body already or who knows what other evil I should be looking for.

OK so I probably just spelled urinalysis wrong, sorry, no spellchecker on this dang computer.  And while I will ask the oncologist this question I don't see him for a week so thought I'd ask you all.  After my first chemo with oxaliplatin, leucovorin and 5-FU I had some bladder issues.  Mainly feeling like I needed to go constantly, no relief at all, for several days.  It ended a day prior to the second treatment.  I told the oncologist and he prescribed a medicine, assuming it was irritation or something from the chemo.  But he also ordered a urinalysis to make sure there was no infection.

He's a good dr and mails me copies of all reports.  I just got the report today showing 2 things in the urinalysis that has me wondering.  One (microscopy) just said the base should be normal and mine was abnormal and the second said the RBC should be occ<1 and that I was 1-3.  Now RBC is blood, right?  Caused by the chemo and in my situation normal??

While I'm here I also want to ask about this whole ALT PHOS thing.  I have been researching, but not found satisfactory answers yet.  That number has been high since before my surgery and it continues to rise, not get lower.  Again, due to the chemo??

I am still having issues with the fact that chemo is my best option.  I absolutely trust that I'm in great hands.  I am going to the Mayo Clinic.  But I see my counts being lowered by the chemo and thinking I am killing my body, how can this be good.  I hate feeling horrible most days and have to look forward to 5 more months of this.  I really want to stop chemo but kept telling myself maybe next time won't be so bad.  I take them one at a time thinking I can always stop next time but can I do that for 10 more treatments?  Then I still have to go through the radiation thing too.  It feels so overwhelming and I feel like such a whiner but can't help myself.  Why am I being such a big baby?!?

Sometimes I really hate reading the doctor reports.  It seems he has it set in his mind that my cancer will come back.  Not maybe, but will.  He uses words like "high risk for recurrence".  My regular doctor had me taking calcium for osteo and has told me not to worry about it right now.  I feel my drs expect me to fail.  I know that's probably not how they intend but it's how I hear it.  And if they expect it to come back period, why bother with the chemo.  Just treat it when it comes back.

I am also having a hard time saying rectal cancer.  I thought colon cancer was bad but in my mind rectal is worse.  And they had big debates at where to classify me.  I guess I ended up rectal according to reports.  It was basically on the edge of where rectum and colon meet, I think.  Just a reminder I'm stage 3 with T3 N2 M0.  I've been told by the oncologist there's about a 50% chance it won’t come back but I've read elsewhere these stats mean a 26-46% chance that it won't.  Like I have a 26-46% chance of living for the next 5 years.  I know I'm getting hung up on numbers but I don't want to be blindsided.  I also don't want to be negative, just want to be informed and know what to expect and be happy when I beat the odds.

Christmas Happenings

posted Tuesday, 27 December 2005

Thursday evening Dennis and I started toying with the idea of going to Missouri for Christmas. This would enable us to see my parents and grandparents, and Dennis’ children. While we saw his son (18) often until recently when he moved back to MO, we had not seen his daughter (15) in a little over a year. She had cheerleading camps and practices most of this summer which prevented her from coming. We hadn’t seen my grandparents or Dad in almost a year.

I should say that I am a planner. I like to plan ahead, have back-up plans and at times even sub-back-up plans. My husband loves to live in the moment with few plans from day to day. Fortunately, part of my planning always includes rolling with alterations to the original plan. After three years with the man I am fairly accustomed to accommodating his whims and MANY times the changes he makes to my measly little plan is WAY better than I was prepared for. I mean, maybe I’ve planned a day of laundry and dishes when he says he wouldn’t mind going to a movie or a new bookstore.

Friday morning we closed on the house - HURRAH. One stress gone. Then we took off on our 12 hour drive. We had decent weather for the drive and kept ourselves entertained by reading and such. I read aloud to Dennis on most trips and I think we’ll finish our book on the return trip home. Emotionally, I was on a roller coaster. I guess partly due to the stress of closing on the house, some worries coming to an end. And partly due to the excitement of seeing my family and dread of the long drive. I would be happily singing one minute and then softly crying the next. It’s truly amazing how your priorities change when you are faced with your own mortality. We all agreed that this Christmas was not about the presents but was about being together.

We have had a wonderful few days together as I hope all of you have done with your families. One of the best presents I received this holiday was laughter. Lots and lots of laughter with my family. I have to confess. . . like you don’t already know . . . that there hasn’t been much laughter in our house lately. It was awesome to have so much laughter, to be surrounded by laughter most of our waking moments. Whether we were playing scrabble and my dad was trying to pass off make-believe words as actualities or we were watching A Christmas Story there was laughter filling the house. I am so very glad my husband is spontaneous; without that we would not have driven over 700 miles to be with family for a few days.

The only bad thing to happen while we’ve been here is that Dennis isn’t feeling well. On the drive here he had some blurry vision and when he woke up he had severe stomach pains, headache, blurred vision and dizziness. After several hours of pleading we went to the ER. Now we both figured this was stress related, maybe even blood pressure or diabetes related as he’s had some issues there before. He’s been under tremendous stress as I figure you all know.

The doctor hooked him up to heart monitor and did an EKG - no heart attack or problem evident. Blood pressure was high but came down while being there and had no effect on the other symptoms. Blood work showed no low blood sugar. CT scan of the head was clear - no stroke or tumors. So, doc was bumfoosled, really couldn’t find anything. He treated the symptoms. Including this gross liquid for the stomach, which we all figure is an ulcer. We have decided he will see an optimologist when we get home. If the medical doctors didn’t find anything, and they really tried then maybe the dizziness and blurred vision have to do with his eyes. I hope we figure this out soon though.

Remember, how sad I was that my daughter would not be coming home for Christmas? Well when we spoke today I asked her again what she wanted for Christmas. {We hadn’t bought anything before closing on the house, not knowing how much money would be needed then.} She couldn’t answer so I told her we would send money. She said that if we sent money she would use it to come see us because she is allowed to miss two days of school and she only goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We are now checking airfare rates and time schedules that will work around her school and my chemo. I wanna feel good while she’s visiting. :) Isn’t it great though that that is a present to all of us.

I wrote the above on Christmas night.  I was offline from Friday morning until now.  We're home now and tired from the drive so I'll write more tomorrow.  But Dennis is feeling better.  Still some blurry vision but he's feeling better.  I have actually felt pretty good the last few days but now dreading Friday, when I get the next chemo.

Orchids love neglect

posted Wednesday, 28 December 2005

I am totally wiped out from our trip but I insisted on accomplishing some things today.  I am tired but don't really feel bad so I wanted to get a few things accomplished before I go down again.  At least I've had more good days between these treatments.  :)  I have started my shaking again so I guess it really is nerves.  I don't feel weird in my head so it must be a sub-conscience thing.  Dennis keeps asking if I'm cold and I'm not, just shaking and don't ask me to try to thread a needle or do anything too precise.

Mikal and Dennis moved the other desk into the sunroom so I can get my sewing machine (quilts) set up and start on ebay again.  After that, I was able to sit at the desk and repot the orchids.  They have been pretty much ignored this last year and Dennis has accused me of trying to kill them with the drought.  But I must say they seem to be absolutely thriving.  As I repotted them, they were all potbound - which is good, they like very little room and you're only supposed to go up one pot size if at all.  They like to be repotted once a year because they run out of nutrients in the potting mix they're in and get mineral build-up in it too.  Also, the repotting gives you an opportunity to check out the roots and I use the time the wash the leaves.  Some of mine had not been repotted since I bought them last year because they were in bloom when I purchased them and then we were busy on the house.  They all have new growth and one couldn't be repotted because it's in bloom again.  Several of them were babies I bought on ebay in a flask.  I had to break the flask and untangle the roots to try and plant little one inch plants last year.  They are now a few inches taller and have lots of roots and growth so even the fragile babied have thrived amazingly.

I need to repot the Christmas cactus we bought and will have to do that later.  But it's kinda funny that the one I put in our bathroom and have been caring for is no longer blooming, yet the one in the kitchen under Dennis's care is totally full of blooms.  Guess I need to take some tips from him.

You may not agree with this but I am taking Khristiaan (16) with us for this chemo experience Friday.  All of my boys seem to be in denial about what's going on so I want to take them all but don't want to overwhelm myself or the nurses so plan on taking them one at a time.  This will give them an opportunity to ask questions they may not think of otherwise and force them to deal with what's going on.  Plus, they're all at ages where they go their own ways with friends or work and stuff so it makes them have some bonding time with us.  :)  I miss those days of them climbing on my lap and arguing over who gets to sit by or on mom.  They're still huggers but I think my legs would fall asleep if they sat on my lap.

I read this last week that Mark Twain said there are 3 kinds of lies, "lies, damned lies and statistics".  While the article went on to apply that to politics I think it can be applied to cancer too.   Statistics, bah!

Missourians don't have accents, Dad's tired ears & Blonde moments

posted Thursday, 29 December 2005

While visiting our family in Missouri over the holidays I discovered that Missourians DO indeed have accents.  As a child I always wanted to go somewhere with accents as I was so disappointed that we didn't have any.  After being gone from MO for 3 years I discovered how wrong I had been.  I have worked, as an adult, to improve my pronunciation of certain words and found myself lapsing while there.  In fact, I told my parents I was going to end up going home talking funny.  :)

While there I also discovered that my dad's hearing isn't getting worse with age, his ears are tired.  Sorry mom, but I now know where I got my loquaciousness.  Like mother, like daughter, they say.  Dennis's ears will soon be tired too.  Fortunately for him, he gets a 2-4 day break with each chemo as I speak very little on those worst days.  However, he swears I make up for it on my good days.

Yesterday, I mentioned to some of you about having a blonde moment.  Since the chemo I seem to be having more of them, but I hear that and the forgetfulness (apparently I tell Dennis the same things over and over and never remember saying it more than once} are normal and will pass when the chemo's over.  Crazy thing's happen though right now.  Like on the trip to MO, out of the blue, and in the dark, Dennis says, "There's a moose in the back."

I look behind us and see nothing, so I look at him questioningly.

He again says, "There's a moose in the back."

I say, "where?"

He says, "In the back of the car."

"Moose?", I ask.

"MOOse" he says while nodding.

So I look towards the back, and again look at him.

He asks, "What's so hard to understand about there being a moose in the back?"

"A moose?" I ask again

He looks at me like I'm an alien and again says, "What aren't you getting about there being a moose in the back?"

I say, "Well. . . I want to know how it got there and why it's there."

He says, "You know the drink. . .(no response from me just furrowed brows). . .chocolate, you like them.  Boost, there's one there."

I say, "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH, A BOOST.  I thought you said a MOOse"

He wonders, "Why would there be a moose in the back?"

I reply, "That's what I wanted to know."

After a good laugh, then some riding in silence once again, I ask, "WHY do you wait 10 hours into the trip to tell me there's a Boost in the back?  Just out of the blue. . ..

You get the idea.  Crazy moments and hilarious too.  But make me feel like a moron at times.  Such as today.  Khristiaan tells me, "This is where Dennis and I ate."

"Where?" I ask

"Here, at Dennis's" he says.

I say, "You and Dennis ate at Dennis's here?"

He says, "yes"

I look at him and say "Dennis's?  What's Dennis's"

To make a long story short, ends up they ate at Denny's.  Made much more sense then.  Maybe my hearing's going too.

So the strangest thing happened tonight.   When I washed my hair it got blonder.  My husband asked what I did to my hair because it looks blonde.  I told him I have been having a few blonde moments lately. . . Weird.  Must be a chemo effect.  He says it looks like I spent a lot of money on it, as it's varied shades.  It is much lighter than it was a few days ago, or earlier today for that matter.  BTW, I am losing hair.  Lucklily I have tons of it so you can't tell by looking at me but I get loads of hair in the brush and all over the bathroom and all over me.  Frustrating that I shed worse than my dogs.

I saw this wonderful idea tonight.  You can make all of your Christmas cards into a book and I have decided to take all the cards I have received full of well wishes and make a book of them to easily look through on my worse days.  It'll help remind me of all the people, thinking good thoughts and saying prayers.  I would also love to add photos of card-sender's petsso if you've sent a card without a photo of your pet could you email me a photo to include in my book with your card?  I have been trying to figure out what to do with them, as I wanted to keep them and still be able to see them.  Currently they are around my whirlpool, where I see them daily.  I am so excited about getting them together this way!  After I get everything in order I can take it to Office Max and have it bound to keep forever.

Well chemo's tomorrow, and we are expecting another snow storm.  Amazing the big ones only come on my chemo days. Talk to you soon.

Dashing through the snow to Chemo 3 we go

posted Friday, 30 December 2005

We're home after a long, full day.  They managed to access the port with only one stick today.  :)  When they draw my blood I can kind of feel it, it stings a little.  We all saw the oncologist.  He really is a great doc.  He listens intently and his reports show that he was listening even though he wasn't writing at the time.  First doctor I've had in ages that truly listens.  While discussing the side effects I have experienced he decided to not give me the calcium this time.  He thinks it may be what's causing the shakes.

The chemo took less time due to cutting out the calcium and I slept through half of it.  I was having stomach cramping on the way home but that seems to have passed.  The neuropathy is worse.  My toes are actually tingling too.  I have on heavy socks and houseshoes and the cold slate in the bathroom still makes them tingle.  Very tired and kinda shaky, hard to type lots, have to keep fixing typos so think I'll call it a night.

Before we go through the bad days again I wanted to make sure you guys know why I'm sharing even bad day details.  I want anyone else reading this to know they are not alone and that there are others experiencing the bad stuff, acknowledging it AND still keep going.  For me, it seems important to acknowledge all the ways I feel in some manner.  That works better than trying to ignore them or pretend they aren't there.  SO I'm not really whining about every tiny ache and pain - although sometimes I am. :)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

posted Saturday, 31 December 2005

Due to not having the calcium the neuropathy is worse this time.  I had doubted that it had been helping but apparently I was wrong.  I am one of few receiving the calcium, a kind of trial.  But currently my fingers are getting tingly just if I get cold.  They hadn't done that before.  I keep feeling it most often in the nail-beds.  That is normal but more often this treatment.  The oncologist cut out the calcium this time to see if it helped cut down my shaking.  So far, I am shaking less.  Not having the head jerks and big shakes I was just smaller tremors.  Like, don't ask me to write or attempt to cross-stitch, and the typing, my fingers want to do their own thing so my arms are getting tired quicker.  I notice I stutter more during these days too.

Yesterday, while waiting, I had a nice visit with a lady on her last treatment.  She assured me the memory issues will clear up after the chemo.  She went to one of the classes I have yet to attend, where they discuss the different effects and chemo apparently affects the brain.  So it's not uncommon for us to repeat ourselves or be forgetful.  I have noticed something else too.  WHIle reading to Dennis on our trips I can see the word, and I know the word but I can't pronounce the word.  When I've been able to before.  Also, sometimes in conversation, I find myself searching for a word and I can clearly see the word spelled out in my mind but I can't get it out of my mind through my tongue.  Gets very frustrating.

I found out something I didn't know yesterday.  While I knew I will only have one more treatment on the Oxaliplatin before I start radiation, I did not know that I will be wearing the 5-FU pump the entire time I'm getting radiation.  So my schedule looks something like this.  Next chemo, Friday the 13th.  I am supposed to call a local oncologist this week to set up an appointment with him to start the radiation at the end of the month.  I will have 5-6 weeks of radiation with the 5-FU pump.  Then go back to the schedule I've been on until they say my time is up.  Not sure how I feel about wearing this pump for 5-6 weeks.  I know currently most of my side effects are from the Oxaly.  I worry about how I will feel during the radiation because I hear it can be pretty bad.  I feel I must take advantage of all of my decent to good days now as I may be totally down for a few weeks.  I hope that isn't how it works, but it could.

Looking back and Looking forward

posted Saturday, 31 December 2005

This has been a year full of ups and downs and just plain busy. Nothing has went the way of normalcy. We haven’t gotten to hike or camp all year, which are two of our loves.

In March we began building our home and through a lot of hard work and long days it’s almost complete. It was an experience I wouldn’t have missed but if we ever build again I hope we can take more time. We had self-imposed deadlines and worked very hard, with very little outside help to accomplish it all. In fact, there was more than once we ran upon something we weren’t positive how to do which lead us to the internet, library or home improvement store. Lots of little stuff left to do, which hopefully will get accomplished this winter. The second garage still sits with only 3 walls up and I am unable to help Dennis finish it. How I wish we knew more people to help him accomplish it.

In July, we lost our little love, 16 month old JoZe. She’s still in our hearts and with us in spirit, just wish she was here in body. Having never lost a pet, this was especially hard. I was in the middle of drywalling the sunroom/doggie room when the vet called and gave me the news. It hurt I wasn’t with her and it hurt that I left her with thoughts of getting her back and then having to pick up her body without her life. It was hard for me to get back to work on their room but it did get finished.

We moved into our unfinished home on Oct 1st and due to my cancer diagnosis on Oct 18th and Dennis’s having to finish many projects on the house we still have much of our things in storage. We have our essentials here to get by but I am so anxious to get the things out of storage and put away. We have had to buy measuring cups and few other things that are packed somewhere in storage. Unfortunately, the garage is still full of things to finish the house and the very bottom floor, where the storage room will be is not finished enough to use. The drywall on that level is not complete, therefore Dennis doesn’t want me filling it up and I’m not sure where I’ll put some items if I can’t use that area. Also in storage, are couches and chairs that we have plans of re-upholstering to be used in the rec room. So far we only have one futon and 2 chairs in a 3100 sq ft home with 5 humans in it. While I was the one who filled the storage unit, pretty much alone (Mikal helped some) I cannot at this time unload alone. I don’t have my strength back enough for lifting and the energy needed to make multiple trips and unpack it all and such. I find this very frustrating as it means I have to wait until Dennis and the boys can at least get it home for me to go through and with Dennis working so much I hate to load him down with yet one more thing he has to do.

That’s the biggest things that happened in our lives this year and I must say that we are hoping 2006 brings a few more joyful experiences and a few less pains. We wish for all of you to have better days ahead as well. And we have hopes of meeting some of you this coming year