inside my head

What in the heck is up with my computer?! There is no reason it should take 6 hours to burn a CD but my computer is giving me fits! UGH! My frustration level is way way up there! I have things I need to do on this stupid thing and have been doing other stuff trying to let it do it’s stupid burning. I have like 6 posts (Jodi, Cathy, Awards, Birds, bird photo tips, Babies, Kids, Depression, Letter C, and some other stuff) in my head and this wasn’t one of them but I needed to rant and vent and wow what a week! I usually figure I’m doing good if I accomplish my goals with one week but I’m two weeks behind! {It really took 6 hours to burn one CD!}

I love LOVE love sharing photos but occasionally I gotta throw in a post about what’s going on in my head. This one’s it, so if you came for photos just scroll down and you’ll find a posse of them.

I don’t think I can totally blame the weather, although we’re predicted more snow (probably nothing that will stick), but I have just had the blahs. You know I’m a chemo angel, well I lost my buddy a couple of weeks ago and I feel lost. I hope they give me a new buddy soon, but I just keep thinking about the one I lost and their family, how hard this must be on the family.

I also send cards to another person being touched by cancer, although not through the program. A lady I’ve never met, but a friend of a friend’s spouse kinda thing. She is doing great! Much better than expected and it’s awesome. She sent me a nice card a few days ago thanking me and hoping someday we’ll get to have lunch. I look forward to that.

I got another card last week from my Aunt (by marriage) that her mom was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and this whole cancer thing really gets me down. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and say, “I give!” Sometimes, I just don’t want anymore tests and want to just keep living like everything’s fine and just forget all about fricking cancer. You know? Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do if it comes back, I just figure I’ll cross that bridge when it gets here. And it totally burns my butt that even if you have insurance, the bills are so outrageous that if I think I want to prolong my life and go through chemo again or whatever, then I croak, my dear hubby is still stuck paying for those extra years I got out of it. That sucks! I ended up being much more expensive than he probably ever thought I was going to be. I wanna scream, “No fair!”

So these feelings about the cancer thing messes with my exercise routine. I wanna get in shape but there are moments, well, a lot of them actually, that I think, “Why?” Who cares if I’m exercising, it’s not gonna win the battle. Ok, enough pity party.

So, where was I? Ranting, oh yeah. I don’t want to go back to my oncologist. I wanna find a different doctor for my testing but hubby has been so busy I haven’t even had a chance to talk to him about that yet. Don’t you think a regular doctor could do any tests required to make sure things stay at bay?

For those of you with hormone issues, what have you found that helps? I know my hormones have always played a huge part in my moods and I have contemplated trying some herbs, but will they help when I have no ovaries?

My head keeps hurting and I’m afraid I’m working on a sinus infection. It sucks! And when the sun does manage to peek out I feel like a vampire trying to hide from its bright beauty!

Hubby has been gone working a lot lately and I will talk to him about the doctor thing eventually, but for now, the little time he’s had home has been spent celebrating Haden turning 16 years old, playing with the grandson and talking about all sorts of other trivial, household type stuff.

Where do all the hours of the day go?! I never have enough hours to get everything done that I want to get done and honestly there have been a few days here that I have just felt overwhelmed and crummy and spent an hour of the day just laying here. And when I get on my computer, I don’t feel like messing with photos, and it keeps giving me some troubles. I’ll be trying to read blogs and it will start acting goofy and sometimes when I’m commenting I’m not sure they are getting saved, or they end up going twice! Maybe I’m getting senile.

Khristiaan (18 yo) moved out last week. I seem to have a hard time with each one leaving. Yeah, it’s great to see them spread their wings but my nest is getting rather roomy. I spent so many years identifying myself as mom that I’ve been having to figure out who else I am. Khris only moved a little over a mile away, which makes me feel better, but I’m a mom, I worry. And he is following the same path as his older siblings, once they leave you don’t hear from them much for a while. But once they get settled you see them more, hope he follows that part too.

In amongst everything else you may have noticed my “buy photo” link is down right now. I’m looking at another way of doing things. That just seemed a little too impersonal and complicated so give me a few days and I should have it up. Thinking about trying the etsy thing, Whatcha think?

I’m still trying to get a photo of that Canadian train car with the kangaroo logo.

We’ll be making a trip to Missouri next month, and thought we’d have a little vacation along the way but not so sure that’s going to happen. We’ll be photographing a wedding in Missouri and visiting family. I’m really looking forward to see Marissa (my step-daughter), she should be getting pretty big with our grandson - yep, she found out today that it’s a boy. She texted me and said, “You were right, it’s a boy”; she’s due in September.

Then I got some awesome news yesterday. Tristan will be getting a baby brother or sister sometime in December. This one slipped by me, no dreams on it yet, but Britney said she told the baby to shhh until she told me. Now she’s given it permission to send me vibes and hopefully soon we’ll know the sex. So by the end of the year I will be a grandmommy times 3! Well, at least I ended on a happy note.